I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize