I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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