jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
