Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
