If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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