I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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