She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
