He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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