tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
