Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
