we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
