i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Randomize
