Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
