i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
