Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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