I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
