So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I would fuck him just for his dog
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
