I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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