I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
