I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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