So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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