what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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