Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
