I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
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