There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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