Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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