i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
