i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
