Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
