So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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