ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
