its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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