he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Watching her eat just hurts me
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
