Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
