I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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