then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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