There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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