the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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