I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
