the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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