no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
