just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
