Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
