I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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