i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
