By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
