It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
