Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
