I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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