Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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