There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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