i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
