My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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