We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
