I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
